A Guide To Life After Divorce ( What Do I Do Now?)

divorce relationships

divorce

The Divorce Is Final

Divorce is hard and stressful and life after divorce can be just as difficult, no matter how it came about for you. I asked for the Divorce so some might think well you got what you wanted. The truth is I did what was best for everybody, we were all miserable. But when the day came, I am not gonna lie, I was Euphoric and I think that is how many of us feel.

The Days, Months, Years in my case were a constant source of Anxiety. Me and (satan) lived together, in separate rooms for financial reasons and his inability to accept it. So when the day came I was like a 16yr old who’s parents were away for the weekend. Yes, I went crazy!

The first thing I did was get a tattoo and then there was the going out every night, the Serial Dating and a host of bad decisions.  So I thought I would create this little guide to help those going through a divorce maybe transition a little smoother.

Life After Divorce

For some Divorce can come suddenly and you can get blind-sided but even then there is time. Formulate a plan for life after divorce.  There are so many things to consider from property to all of the belongings to work and in some cases where you are going to live. The more you have planned the better off you will be.

divorce

Learn To Be Alone

I am an Introvert so being alone has never really been an issue for me but to go from seeing and hearing my kids every day to half the time was hard. In my life after divorce, I had to get used to silence. Even having someone to talk to when you got home.

Doing things alone can be hard to get used to. I learned to really enjoy my own company and started going places by myself. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. There is a lot of loneliness that you have to get used to and eventually it dissipates over time. Ironically, I grew to prefer it.

 

divorce

Sadness

I was surprised at how sad I felt. I didn’t want to be married to him, but I missed being married. It is completely normal to grieve the loss. It is like losing part of yourself. Experts say it takes six years to totally get over a divorce. You don’t want to wallow however, you definitely need to deal with the baggage.

 

 

 

Find Yourself

The person you were with your ex may not be the person you are after the divorce. I honestly had never really known the real me. I spent so many years being whatever everyone wanted that I lost the true essence of who I was.

When you are a couple, you are an extension of each other. Sadly, this happens with so many women especially if you were young when you got married. I met my first husband when I was 18 and that really is when you are discovering yourself and what you want. Add kids to the mix and you can get even more lost in everybody else.

life after divorce

New Friends

This was perhaps the hardest part for me. A good friend told me that when you get divorced, you will find out who you’re true friends are. When you are married many of your friends are mutual, it’s just easier that way. After the divorce, the waters get muddy.

Our friends didn’t so much pick a side as they just didn’t want to be involved with either side. That goes for family too. We all felt awkward and for me, it became hard to be with my married friends after that. Your life just changes so much. Connecting with other divorced people tends to really help emotionally and socially as well.  It is kind of like a support group you can whine to and get the “mmhmm” you really need.

Dating

After the “trolling” novelty wore off, I realized I just wasn’t ready. I needed time to answer to myself, to be me. If I am being honest the Serial Dating was more about sex than a relationship. You need time to grow and make peace with your new life.

I usually suggest 6 months. After I spent some time alone I met my husband and I was better prepared to find the man who was right for me. I started with formulating a list of what I didn’t want.It was the best decision as I have a great Marriage with my best friend.

Another blogger brought up this point and it is great advice. If you have kids you can’t date someone who doesn’t. People who have never had kids cannot possibly understand the obligations or be put second. Divorce is so hard on kids and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate that. Usually, that is someone who has the same thing in their life.

life afterdivorce

Curb Impulsiveness

Making your own decisions can be exciting, even kind of a high. I know for me it was. You need to really weigh each decision carefully. Making snap decisions can have negative results. I made quite a few poor Financial decisions that ended badly and cost me big time. Taking the time to weigh your options can make a big difference.

It is easy to think that when the Divorce is final that it’s over but it is far from over. There are many decisions to make which is hard because you tend to be vulnerable. Learn and discover the new you and your new life. Connect with others who find themselves where you are in life.

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24 Comments Write a comment

Writer And Coffee Addict Living The Blog Life

24 Comments

  • Arunas September 12, 2016

    This was an interesting read. Our lives are full of discoveries and losses because every person has his own time to be with us. Thanks for sharing.

  • Francesca - From Pennies to Pounds September 12, 2016

    I enjoyed reading this. I think that it can be really awkward with mutual friends as you say. A girl I know has been told many times that her husband has been cheating on her, but another friend said she thinks she stays because they all have the same friends as they have been together since school.
    I think weighing up your decisions is a really good point.

    • Heidi September 12, 2016

      It is always a really bad idea to be the messenger in that situation. People unfortunately need to see for themselves and the change is so monumental

  • Aish Padihari September 12, 2016

    I think, all of us (single. divorced, married) should learn how to live alone and be happy. Its important to be there.., yet, not there. I hear you on the divorce. Great read.
    Aish Padihari recently posted…Spicy Lentil and Potato CroquettesMy Profile

    • Heidi September 12, 2016

      It really is important. Thanks

  • Marsha September 12, 2016

    This was really good Heidi! I can relate to some of it: I initiated my divorce, I’m an introvert so I actually enjoy my alone time but being without the kids for even 24 hours was painful at first. I used to cry every single time. Now I look forward to it lol! Divorce is a tough process regardless which side you’re on but it’s such a freeing feeling when it’s over. And making your own decisions and getting back to your true self (or new true self) is great! I see the world so much differently now!
    Marsha recently posted…Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk Styling Pudding ReviewMy Profile

    • Heidi September 13, 2016

      I guess that’s why we get along so well, thanks for commenting

  • Kristi Le September 13, 2016

    Great read! Thank you!

  • Veena September 14, 2016

    This was such a great read Heidi. It’s a life lesson for everyone really!

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  • Shorikka February 27, 2017

    This is a reareally good post however, I do have to disagree….there are a lot of men amd women that I know who’s currently dating someone with children and they dont have any. I think each individual has their own preference and how mature are they.

    • Heidi February 27, 2017

      Everyones experience is different, thanks for reading

  • Ana Rose | Roads and Pages February 27, 2017

    I remember a book that I have read before while reading your post. It was a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. She suffered after her divorce with her husband. She wanted to find herself and what she did was that she traveled. It was for that reason that she came up with the book “Eat, Pray, and Love.”

    • Heidi February 27, 2017

      That is completely true because you go through the stages of grief in a way, I know I caught the traveling and adventure bug myself. Thanks for reading

  • Ankita February 27, 2017

    I enjoyed reading the post, Heidi!
    Though I am Still unmarried.. But can correlate the things to one I know went through the same phase..
    This post inspired me somehow.. I guess we always discover a new Strength inside us in tough times!
    Ankita recently posted…Gravatar Account – Build Trust & Credibility Among Audience!My Profile

    • Heidi February 27, 2017

      Thanks, indeed we do. Thanks for reading

  • Jacqueline Carlisle February 27, 2017

    It’s the things you are unprepared for that seems to hit you the hardest. I have not filed yet, but I remember being told I could never consider myself as a single woman on any future forms I might need to fill out. It’s a final chapter with new one starting all at the same time. Go get your nails done. I know it sounds crazy, but do something that will make you smile.
    Jacqueline Carlisle recently posted…Smart Sexy People Buy Ethical Home AccessoriesMy Profile

    • Heidi February 27, 2017

      That is true, eventhough it is a very emotional time planning is essential, I went and got a tattoo the minute the ink was dry. Doing something on a whim definitely is a must

  • Aish Das-Padihari February 27, 2017

    I have a couple of friends who took divorce very differently. One was rooted and devoted her time to her work and her kid. She paid attention to quality while dating. On the other hand, another friend created a havoc. Starting from seeing a therapist to dating everyone she meets. I understand that divorce can be hard but we got to do what we got to do.
    Aish Das-Padihari recently posted…Egg-Free Butter-Free Dark Chocolate Bundt CakeMy Profile

  • Preethi'sCuisine February 27, 2017

    Well scripted Heidi.A lesson for those going through tough times.

  • Shakirah Iman February 27, 2017

    So many people skip the being alone part. It is such an important step to rediscovering oneself and reflecting on what went wrong with the marriage.

  • Sarika Gunjal February 28, 2017

    awesome read Heidi…
    Sarika Gunjal recently posted…Instant Pot Vegetable PulaoMy Profile

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  • John Adiele February 28, 2017

    Quite revealing but i thinks it all depends on the individual.

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