WE ALL FEEL JEALOUS SOMETIMES
We all have had run-ins with the green eyed monster at times. If you say you, haven’t I really have a hard time believing it. I’m not talking about envy, which is the feeling you get when your friend has something you want or someone has the life you desire. That feeling is fleeting and can easily turn. You know your best girlfriend has the shoes you have to have and at first, you feel envious, then you ask her where she got them. Envy can quickly turn positive.
I’m talking about jealousy in your relationship. When my husband and I first got together, I will be honest the monster found me. For me, it was so good that I became so afraid of losing it. I had never had this feeling in a relationship. He had been single for many years and women still called, texted etc. My bad behavior started with checking his phone and became a disease. Once you start it is almost a compulsion.
You will always find something you find issue with and most times it isn’t warranted. Though I knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong, I couldn’t seem to stop. It makes you feel so dirty. That was the thing that finally made me stop. I hated how it made me feel about myself.
My problem was, I hadn’t fully recovered from the chaos of my first marriage enough. When reality finally hit me and I realized I couldn’t control the universe, I was able to just stop.
THE COMPONENTS OF BEING JEALOUS
According to Psychology Today, there are elements to Jealousy, that can be mild or extreme. Everyone feels jealous occasionally, but when it is constantly on your mind, there is a problem.
- Obsessive Thinking
We all know Insecurity is not believing in yourself and your worth. Insecurity often creates the fear. Fear of losing someone, which leads to control. The paranoid personality has difficulty trusting anyone as it thinks naturally that people have malicious intent and want to hurt them.
An obsessive thinker, which I totally am, will think something to death and pick every single thing apart, creating scenarios that actually are, lies we tell ourselves and justify it with the thinking that it could happen. Truth is, everything you fear could happen and you have no control over that.
All of these elements cause the fear, which eats away at us.
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of loss
- Fear of Infidelity
Some think Jealousy is an indication of caring, I don’t agree. It causes tension and a disconnect so great in the relationship that it could actually drive your partner away. In basic terms, it is about the need to manipulate or restrict your partner’s behavior to make you feel better and who wants a puppet?
ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Questions you have to examine your relationship to get to the root of your feelings:
Is your relationship built on the true love principles of trust, respect, and honesty? Honesty is the core of Emotional Integrity. Being open and honest in your relationship is necessary for it to succeed.
- Is your partner honest and open?
- Is your partner giving you reasons to be jealous?
You should have complete access to your partner’s information and open about where and what they are doing, but that is not a license to spy on them. Are they overly flirtatious? This can be a problem for many people. Setting boundaries in any relationship is a must. You have to let them know what makes you uncomfortable. I have done this myself.
Is your partner encouraging your jealousy? There are those who bask in it and it feeds their need for attention.
In order to rid yourself of the monster, you must deal with the causes that live inside you.
- Why am I insecure?
- What do I fear?
- Am I letting the past ruin the present?
The first step is admitting the jealousy to yourself and the fact that it’s unreasonable. Start the work to build your own Self-esteem and self-worth.
Change the emotion through mindfulness. Mindfulness helps with the obsessive thoughts by placing your thoughts in the present.
Recognize the underlying fears driving you. Past relationships have a way of interfering in today. Resolve the past so you can move on and embrace the present, recognizing that people and relationships are different.
Realizing that nothing is truly in your control is perhaps the greatest life lesson. You can only control what you do. Bad things happen, people make mistakes, you can’t stop that. You can only know there is nothing you can’t deal with.
Discuss your feelings with your partner and plan together ways to combat the negative feelings. I think you’d be surprised how they might not realize they are contributing to the problem.
If you are on the receiving end of Jealousy, the worst things you can do is try to placate or enable the behavior.
There are many creative methods to defeat Jealousy. Doing nothing will only harm your relationship and cause stress to yourself which can lead to stress-related illness such as headaches, stomach issues, and poor sleeping habits.
Hope this helped!